I’m not at all sure about the wisdom of saying this here. Or anywhere really. But I’m depressed. I woke up this morning feeling like I’m at the bottom of the well that has been my occasional companion and constant shadow and fear on and off for over 20 years. I have been stressed for weeks (with ample reason, though no single cause) and low for the weekend. But this morning is different again. Here I sit. Alert. But trapped. Or not. At the bottom of a familiar well with no edges. I don’t know if I have the strength to climb back up again. When the stresses and uncertainties will mostly still be there. For the term of my natural life.
I don’t want to scare those of you who know me offline. I’m safe enough. I recognised the well and organised to see my counsellor and that I’m not alone till then. I’m safe enough. I don’t feel like I have the strength to commit suicide.
Its everything and nothing. It’s the little things and the big things. It’s feeling like I’m a ship lost at sea. Its feeling like I’m being suffocated. It’s feeling lonely, misunderstood, neglected and abused. It’s feeling crowded and isolated at the same time. It’s the core busting sense that I really don’t matter unless I’m there, or achieving, or paying. Even to myself. It’s wanting to be alone or surrounded by love. Its feeling exhaustd just facing food or leaving the house.
Its the blanket of hopeless that means I can’t see anything beyond the next breathe. It’s being able to see too far ahead and not liking what I see or don’t see. It’s hearing nothing and being hypersensitive to noise. It’s the physical pain. It’s the disconnect. It’s trying to keep things light and social and being haunted at night regardless of if I fail or succeed. It’s remembering everything, but recalling nothing. Too much to do at once, too much I want oo change and not enough. It’s all the dichotomies. I can justify them all as stressors. But it doesn’t really matter.
For example It’s the hard drive crashing just as I was to achieve something I have wanted after other uncontrollable delays and taking most of 2 essays with it. It’s the fact that faced with rewriting them my mind is blank and any hope is gone. Its disrespect on the footpaths. It’s being made to use the back door and still make it ok. Its bank transfers that won’t work, despite funds and doing many successfully. It’s thinking through every phonecall I make and if I should make it and still getting it it wrong, like so much else. Trying to do the right thing and getting it so wrong. It’s being put on pause and pulled through the emotional mud for $300 and a box of stuff. But I matter right?
These are just some examples. Not that it is the events in life that has done this. It just is where I am.
I am not sure about if I should post this, but maybe it’ll help someone else going through it. Falling quickly like I tend to do is part of the fear.
Possibly Related Posts: