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What a girl believes

Maybe not just faiths but denominations too?

From LivingBuddha,LivingChrist10thAnniversaryEdition” target=”_blank” title=””>Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh

People kill and are killed because they cling too tightly to their own beliefs and ideologies. When we believe that ours is the only faith that contains the truth, violence and suffering will surely be the result

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A cautionary tale aka: of Picolo, cake and dodos

First off, this is a rant and a very long and personal rant. I’m sorry to my new readers. But it might mean I start posting more regularly :-). That said

I am a woman with a personal history of faith in God dating back to my early teens and a background in the Christian Church from birth. I went through a brief but intense period where I was a bit more literal than I am now in my interpretation of the Bible and its teachings. I have had various periods of doubt and wilderness walking, more around the Church than God, though,  as the common denominator between the Church and me, and the all great “omni-everything” God has been given due responsibility and we have had many emotional “rounds in the ring”. I’ve been through rounds in the ring a range of things including over my disability and whether God would have me walking with two good arms this side of whatever the next life is. Our hard-fought for conclusion on that issue ended up being that God would give me strength to endure and; in the words of a hymn; “”Do every day, what I have to do”. I’m intentionally not evangelistic, believing each person has to find a path (plus the evangelists tend to scare me; see below.)

I’m fairly private about my faith. believing  as role models have before me in Mathew 6:1. In addition, my faith and theology have both been a bit unconventional and certainly well wrestled with so tougher (maybe) to encapsulate

As would seem logical, my disability has featured in my deliberations about faith, though it is far from the only factor that has impacted on my faith. However strangers who are Christians, have, at various points in my life, worn their religious convictions on their sleeves and sought to pray, loudly and uninvited that by their prayers (because mine are never enough?) the devil would leave my body, my “excess sin” would be removed and I would, in the middle of — insert main street here, get up and do cartwheels. Un ramped/uneven  Churches in my past have had mixed reactions when being asked about a ramp. They have either told me they don’t need access because they will pray for me and therefore I will just amble in, or they have built one, like a human rights issue!

With all this as long-winded background I invite the brave amongst you dear readers to review the following online discussion held today, two weeks after I had a batch of three such public healing “moments” in the space of 7 days. I’m reporting the first and “worst” of these to NNNNN and reproducing with minor edits and their permission here.

Me:You at your computer?

NNNNN: Yes

Me:Ok. How about I tell you the worst of the three healing events? I’ll tell you line by line to keep the flow going and will let you know when done.

NNNNN:Shoot!

Me::-) Head or lung or back?

NNNNN:Any.

Me:Ok, remember last time I was there and got ready for a function….?

NNNNN:Yes.

Me:As it turned out the function was a lot of fuss over nothing and only went for an hour …

So I rolled up to town hall from circular quay…

NNNNN:Yup.

Me:And decided to sit at jet cafe outside by myself have a silent fume at the event and a coffee…

NNNNN:I remember Jet Cafe.

Me:I had my headphones in and was half way through my coffee when a woman (50 year old professional traveling solo) sat facing me at the next table

We smiled at each other a couple of times

Small talk as she ate ensued.

NNNNN:Then?

Me:Jobs

Traveling

Married/not married

Coffee and shopping in Melbourne

Disability access Sydney versus Melbourne

Etc

I happened to say “goodness knows” to something she said Jesus would know

NNNNN: mmmmmh

Me:My first red flag. We agreed we were both Christians and I explained that my faith helps me cope

She asked me how I came to a relationship with Jesus

I gave her my spiel

I asked her her story – safer to get her off the subject of me and keep her talking of her

She was born again at 24

Jesus had told her she was going to marry a pastor and pointed him out to her personally.

She has brought many people to Jesus including whilst being hospitalised in Europe with a dvt by Jesus just to bring the woman in the next bed to Jesus.

Me:All this time I keep saying god gives me the strength to live with the CP

NNNNN:Yes?

Me:She goes inside to ( I thought) pay but instead orders a round for us of coffee and cake

I had prepaid my first coffee

She sits opposite me

The waiters remove the other outside tables (packing up)

We eat the cake

She talks about Jesus and how many times she has seen great healings

You have never seen me eat cake so fast but my upbringing said I couldn’t leave though I made noises and moves to do so

NNNNN: Ahhhahh!

Me:She asks if she can pray for me

NNNNN:Ouch!

Me:I say thank you that’s kind and if she wants to add me to her private prayer list I would be humbled but I don’t believe in public prayer nor in the laying on of hands

NNNNN:Yes?

Me:I quote Matthew 6 ” do in secret” at her

NNNNN:Yes?

Me:No good

She wants to cast the devil out of me and restore my body and my faith.

Jesus is telling her to do it and do it now

NNNNN:Ouch!

Youch!

Me:So she bounds out of her seat stands next to me with her feet positioned so if I was to reverse I would’ve hurt her- though I don’t think that was her thinking.

So there are no other tables nearby now and I couldn’t go back or forward

NNNNN:You are trapped.

Me:And she had one hand on my “evil chair” and one on the front of my head

I ask her three times again not to

NNNNN:

And she’s not listening.

Me:I say it is unwelcome and cruel

She says its the devil resisting

I quote scripture.

She says the devil quoted scripture when Jesus was tempted. She was right of course he did.

So I decide to let her get on with it and not make a scene

Well…

NNNNN:Yes?

Me:She goes on and on and on for 25 minutes

NNNNN:Ow!

Me:Casting the devil out of my body

My head

Heart

Slapping me lightly on the back of the head

Telling god that I am scum in his sight because if I was forgiven I’d walk away from the cafe

You name it …. I got it …

NNNNN::-(

Me:It went on and on and on

The worst version I have ever got.

Seriously.

NNNNN:I see.

Me:Meanwhile. My prayer was something like. God if you want to have me walking and with a normal arm I would be grateful but if not if you’re there please move this woman’s heart away from doing this.

NNNNN:At least just to move this woman away.

Me:God didn’t do either.

She finished her prayer. She believed god would work the miracle as she slept. Or I was a devil sent to test her. It was one or the other.

Left me her business card and walked away

NNNNN:Whew!

Me:And I was left shaking but not walking

NNNNN:Shaking indeed.

Me:God let us both down that night. It started to happen two other times that week. There was no sanctuary. I’m over it. I’m over being the means by which other people get to feel better and get their heavenly brownie points.

Scared you off?

NNNNN:No. Just taking it all in.

I’m just sorry you have had to endure these unpleasant experiences.

Me:I think my faith is officially gone the way of the dodo. It happens too often and I don’t see a lot of the God I believe/d in in practise.

NNNNN:God will not intervene?

Me:I don’t expect an interventionist god. I want a sense he can and will protect me and work on people’s hearts.

NNNNN:God doesn’t act in the same way that woman wants to.

Me:What I’m left with is either he’s passive or he doesn’t give a s@@t about me.

NNNNN:An uncaring God? Could be that there are too many who don’t let God care through them? Could there not be a few, though, who do?

Me:I don’t know. Honestly. But right now I need to go to a meeting.

Love

Joanna

NNNNN:OK. Thanks for sharing the story.  May my hugs go with you. Love. NNNNN

To a selection of my Christian friends after my third such moment I sent:

Why do all the religious cocoos come out at once and try me for size? Just got caught briefly by another one. My third in a week or so. Over feeling like I’m up for everybody else to earn their brownie points just because I sit. ;-(“

The silence from some of those friends, some of whom I’ve known for over 20 years and through other really black holes was deafening. One such trusted friend quipped later (admittedly without the above event background, but with I thought a good knowledge of the value I placed on my faith) that my doubts were because the Pope had resigned.

Although I get that these stupid healing actions are the actions of some fallible Christians, not God (and I’ve had other good Christians, like NNNNN who are also fallible members of the broader Church try and help me process this since), I do blame God for this one. For not protecting me . For making me go through this largely alone. AGAIN . For not shutting these people up. For not sending a stone tablet down as an appendix to the Bible telling folks that physical illness and disability are not evil. (There would be other stone tablets of course).

I can’t shake this one. It has been devastating. Usually my admission of faith and my explaining that Jesus helps me cope are enough to prevent these full-blown attacks, not this time.

It leaves me exhausted and lonely (my non Christian friends don’t get the grief either, almost “what took you so long”), sad and feeling like I will always be suspicious of people that say they love Jesus, whether I ever believe again or not. I fear I’ve wasted 23 years of life in the boxing ring of my faith and while I know that there have been bigger things that God’s done well (apparently), my relationship with God through faith in the Christ has been my link into the mystery of it all..

I just don’t know where to go with it now, but thanks for listening

 

 

 

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The email I wrote for international day last year

Dear All,

I’m sending this out on a personal note.

In simple terms this email is a thank you. It is international Day of People with Disability. I refuse to deal with Christmas till after today every year!

Regardless of how stage managed events around it need to become to raise the profile, IDPwD is intensely personal and profound for me.This year it is quite emotional for me. For me it is an opportunity to take a big breathe and acknowledge the journey, the wins, the losses and the inevitable work arounds. This starts with looking at my own life and using that reflection to look outwards. It involves giving thanks to all the powers that might be and to those in my circle who give me strength and courage and other resources to make “it” happen. You are each getting this because you have personally helped me “run that gauntlet”

Interestingly, looking out for a minute I see a big disconnect between parts of the messages that are being sent out this year. Domestically we are being told to celebrate the successes and the achievements and while fighting for the NDIS, keep it light and fluffy and a-political, This is even though there are enough people with disability to fill Victoria and we are under-utilised and more likely to be in all sorts of other not-nice minorities as a result .

On the other hand, the United Nations who proclaimed the annual observance in 1992 still tell us that:

“Persons with disabilities make up an estimated 15 per cent of the world’s population. Almost one-fifth of the estimated global total of persons living with disabilities, or between 110-190 million, encounter significant difficulties. Furthermore, a quarter of the global population is directly affected by disability, as care-givers or family members.
Persons with disabilities encounter many disadvantages in their societies and are often subjected to stigma and discrimination. They remain largely marginalized, disproportionately poorer, frequently unemployed and have higher rates of mortality. Furthermore, they are largely excluded from civil and political processes and are overwhelmingly voiceless in matters that affect them and their society”

I think this is a call to action if ever I heard one!

I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle and that for those of us who are “active participants” have the balancing act ongoing. It is because of people like you that I find the strength “to run the race before me”, even if we never talk about disability! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. . It takes courage to be sit on the margins. The marginalisation may have have changed but it is still present and I still feel it so thanks for the gifts of courage I am given in the big and small ways..

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Another Monday Micro: New iPhone, iPad app for tracking sins

This.might be useful especially to a new convert unsure of the process. But remember:

The (US) $1.99 “Confession: A Roman Catholic App” can’t grant forgiveness — you still need to receive the sacrament from a real, live priest like always. The app’s designers and some believers see it as a way to spur Catholics back into the habit of repenting.

Indeed — I can’t complain about the use of technology.

The news video of it is here

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quote on Manners

Manners are the rent you pay for your place on the Earth

–Matt Preston from MasterChef Australia on Compass

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WWGD — Heated table meetings

For those of you outside Australia, the entire continent is having some very hard times weatherwise at the moment. In Sydney yesterday the heat was oppressive–today is slated to be worse to the point where I can’t sit at my window (where my desk is) for very long.

In that context, this is what I wrote down yesterday at about 4 PM.

I used to be really worried about the space I take up (in my wheelchair). I still am really. I was raised to be quite conscious of it when I parked etc.

But I’m sitting at DejaBrew in the city waiting for a friend. There were no tables I could easily get to inside so I was aiming for a table in the shade outside. I’m having an ordinary coffee–table hire basically. I don’t think it’s the coffee’s fault. I think it’s just the heat.I’m trying to collect spoons and prepare for a all day meeting later in the week, when I need to set up and be intelligent.

There are two suits sitting next to me in the shade, with a table also shaded between us with the jacket and bag of one of the suits and his briefcase occupying.

Grey stripe suit is in charge (or wants to be), or pitching an idea and trying to look committed. He keeps eyeing me suspiciously. Younger blue suit is quieter, drinking water to the grey suit’s latte. He is clearly the one with the purse strings.

They are both engaged in the paper business of a meeting and taking three tables to do it. One for the grey suit and his paperwork, pushed against one for the blue suit and his papers. These tables seat four each comfortably. The coffee shop could seat 12 people in the shade in this space.

The craziest thing is that one table is for the blue suit to store his blazer and I got glared at when I parked there. They want a buffer perhaps. I should have just stayed there, but I felt shy.

Leaving me in the sun. Melting.

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Merry Christmas

Or whatever you celebrate

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Healing #reverb10

What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

(Author: Leonie Allan)

Whoa — this is a tough one, depending how I was to take it.

Healing and I have a strange love hate relationship. Some of the reasons why may well be obvious. The various churches that I have been into have also increased my scepticism and nervousness about this issue.

That’s if I take a traditional response. But, I’m not going to, am I?

Healing for me this year has been very much a drip dry healing, as it always is for me. Healing of my own anxieties, a settling of my moods, hearing of relationships (and I’m including with myself) and although it might not always be evident a renewed sense of “the piece that passes all understanding”.

I still have the health challenges, but even with regards those I’m still active and involved. And I’m calmer at some level that I would not have expected.

I found a level playing field with relationships. I know my limits better, and I’m better able to respect and noticed other people’s limits without having to run into them like a brick wall first. Not that I had bad relationships mind you, but things can always be improved.

The fun thing that I’ve healed this year is my love of reading and it seems of writing.According to  my book reading log I have read something like 25 books this year which in addition to the work-related reading I do isn’t bad.

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quote on the effect of prayer

Quoted in Seeking the Sacred: Transforming Our View of Ourselves and One Another
from Hazrat Inayat Khan on theEffect of Prayer

He is as large as he thinks himself, as great as he thinks himself, as small as he thinks himself. If he thinks he is incapable, he remains incapable; if he thinks himself foolish, he will be foolish, and will remain foolish; if he thinks himself wise, he will be wise, and become wiser every moment; if he thinks himself mighty, he is mighty.

Now in my qoute journal

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Sighted guide

An amazing piece I can relate to.

As I uttered that prayer of surrender, something opened up, within me; I felt a peace that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. “A peace that passes all understanding.”

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