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Update

From yesterday
I’m still at the bottom of the well. But I guess the Sharks aren’t circling. Many of the symptoms I spoke of yesterday are still present. Strongest are numbness including in my hands, hypersensitivity to noise (and light today), easily overwhelmed and if I had to pick an emotion it would be sadness.

The well doesn’t yet have a staircase which is my usual way I get out from under. But there is no water, or sharks and now I can see light on the edges. Just a sliver mind you and it feels like glare (see above).
It still feels very debilitating. But I am about to leave the house. I saw my counsellor yesterday, which was reassuring but travelling to and from was really really tough.

Thank you to those that reached out.

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Cross post: Where I am at ****warning: really ick****

I’m not at all sure about the wisdom of saying this here. Or anywhere really. But I’m depressed. I woke up this morning feeling like I’m at the bottom of the well that has been my occasional companion and constant shadow and fear on and off for over 20 years. I have been stressed for weeks (with ample reason, though no single cause) and low for the weekend. But this morning is different again. Here I sit. Alert. But trapped. Or not. At the bottom of a familiar well with no edges. I don’t know if I have the strength to climb back up again. When the stresses and uncertainties will mostly still be there. For the term of my natural life.

I don’t want to scare those of you who know me offline. I’m safe enough. I recognised the well and organised to see my counsellor and that I’m not alone till then. I’m safe enough. I don’t feel like I have the strength to commit suicide.

Its everything and nothing. It’s the little things and the big things. It’s feeling like I’m a ship lost at sea. Its feeling like I’m being suffocated. It’s feeling lonely, misunderstood, neglected and abused. It’s feeling crowded and isolated at the same time. It’s the core busting sense that I really don’t matter unless I’m there, or achieving, or paying. Even to myself. It’s wanting to be alone or surrounded by love. Its feeling exhaustd just facing food or leaving the house.

Its the blanket of hopeless that means I can’t see anything beyond the next breathe. It’s being able to see too far ahead and not liking what I see or don’t see. It’s hearing nothing and being hypersensitive to noise. It’s the physical pain. It’s the disconnect. It’s trying to keep things light and social and being haunted at night regardless of if I fail or succeed. It’s remembering everything, but recalling nothing. Too much to do at once, too much I want oo change and not enough. It’s all the dichotomies. I can justify them all as stressors. But it doesn’t really matter.

For example It’s the hard drive crashing just as I was to achieve something I have wanted after other uncontrollable delays and taking most of 2 essays with it. It’s the fact that faced with rewriting them my mind is blank and any hope is gone. Its disrespect on the footpaths. It’s being made to use the back door and still make it ok. Its bank transfers that won’t work, despite funds and doing many successfully. It’s thinking through every phonecall I make and if I should make it and still getting it it wrong, like so much else. Trying to do the right thing and getting it so wrong. It’s being put on pause and pulled through the emotional mud for $300 and a box of stuff. But I matter right?

These are just some examples. Not that it is the events in life that has done this. It just is where I am.

 

I am not sure about if I should post this, but maybe it’ll help someone else going through it. Falling quickly like I tend to do is part of the fear.

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Back

I plugged back in on Friday, officially. It was as I expected a good experience in which I learnt a lot.

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For those that know me offline

Hi

I’ve taken a self directed modified vow of silence for a few days. I just want to slow my mind down a bit and slowing my speech down will help me do that. I need to reflect and grow. I want to develop some more discipline even in just keeping this commitment. I enjoy feeling safe enough to be quiet and I want to now reinforce that I can be my own safe space. I want to choose the words that go through my mind. Time with fewer words will help.

Yes there were a couple of situations that triggered this, but right now they aren’t important. This is gaining peace, not running from pain.

I intend to do my life as normal. This is not a retreat so much as a practise. But neither am I wanting to become a Trappist monk. This is a modified vow.a vow of no vocal chord use, even on my own while still leading my life in public.

As such,
I will write notes, on paper, ipad, SMS. Email and phone (iMessage/SMS) will still be on and checked and replied to but probably phone will be on do not disturb a little more.i have noticed just by typing or scribbling one chooses how to speak differently.
If you want to avoid me in this time ok, but I would still like to see you if we have plans or a practise in doing so. I hope to listen well and show you without noise that I am with you. I have predetermined three situations in the next 14 days where I will speak if I’m still not but they aren’t social events and if you are reading this then it’s safer to assume I’ll be silent till I’m not.
I’m not doing this to annoy or embarrass or avoid you or the world. It will be a discipline for a predetermined number of days to slow myself down, lower my guard with myself and develop mindfulness, grace and clarity among other things. Iits not a game nor is this a spur of the moment attention grab. I’m ok all things considered.
Music, movies etc will be a part of my day still

This website gives the closest description of both the how and the why. But it is not a replica.
http://www.highexistence.com/my-vow-of-silence-and-why-you-should-try-a-silent-vacation/
Like her, I don’t really want to talk about the process much. Not till later. I hope to hear from you (better) or see you around.i hope to smile and nod a lot.

Love

Joanna

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Just quietly

So while laid up I've been reading, thinking and researching. Whatever took my fancy really. Plus dealing with a couple of bits of people related drama

In preparation for resuming study next week I've been trying to build-in some routine and allow specific times for reading and writing especially which is good. Hopefully unlike when I first started studying I won't be alarmed by how much extra I suddenly had to do along with the disability and time wasting “very important stuff” that a teenager out of home for the first time has to deal with. Of course very little of that very important stuff was actually very important but that is very much the perspective of youth.

I'm trying to consciously read more. Speak less. Listen more. Solve less. Be quieter. I'm not finding this hard at all. In fact it is as if the peace that passes all understanding has landed. I'm leaning back into it and myself. I'm less exhausted in one sense because I'm not giving away so much. I'm calling stuff as I see it, if not aloud then consciously but silently

I have decided I don't like Sydney. Too busy and way too aggressive.

I'm learning to like myself I guess. Again, or for the first time at this new level I'm not sure which. Another stage of the getting of wisdom perhaps?

 

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Me again

So someone said something useful to me yesterday.

Well, said might be the wrong adjective here. It was more like wrote something. Although it felt like it had be written solely and directly to me and not in a online email marketing kind of pseudo way, but in a chills up your spine kind of way. As I sit here now prepared to type it I feel silly but here goes.

You are a writer when you write.

Right.

D'oh.

So I guess the next logical extension to that is: You are a blogger when you …… post?

So I am Joanna. I am a writer who has been afraid of the page, but writing at 750words.com for a while. I am a blogger who was afraid of posting. Afraid of not having a voice. Afraid of having too strong a voice. Afraid that people would run away

Less afraid now though so I'm trying to come back. With courage. Because I do love to write.

Thanks

 

 

 

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Best intention

I had good intentions to blog tonight. But the pressure of working out DNS Redirects on other blog.

So sorry. Goodnight

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So, Why? aka meet the other blog in my life

Ok, So I’m trying to some self branding here. Will keep willowdove.com as my experimental and my casual site. But given my name was available I thought I’d grab it for branding purposes and to eventually put the entire collected life n times (or links to them) of me online on the one site I guess. Writings and such especially.

Unlike willowdove.com though which only really had content on the one /blog/ subdomain; I plan to spend the new year padding joannanicol.com out with different sections and ongoing activities. There might be some cross posting for a while, but as I continue to work and think and write for myself and others, I think both domains will serve a purpose each.

Hosting willowdove since 2005 has been great. I’ve learnt a lot about blogs in that time. What I like. What I don’t and what I wanted to do differently if given a fresh start. I sort of regretted not having my own name more prominent especially when I’m now known professionally as my own person. i didn’t and don’t want to change willowdove’s purpose as a place to chill and muse as a weekend/ hobby blogger

I don’t want to over promise and under deliver though. I’ve done that before. So the safest thing to say is at this point at least is “watch this space”. But feel free to poke around and see what you find. Please don’t be offended is some places are locked up. Joannanicol.com is a place for my record of my writing and online documentation as much for me as everyone else.

I can say it will be very low fuss in terms of clutter. It’s about the words!

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Awww

Pope Francis being a Dad

Too cute.
I remember growing up Luke 18:15-17 was alway quoted at infant baptisms (Uniting Church).

Luke 18:15-17
New International Version (NIV)
The Little Children and Jesus

15 People were also bringing babies to Jesus for him to place his hands on them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. 16 But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 17 Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”

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Services upgrade

I may have gone quiet but you are not forgotten. I am working on a new online home. Consolidation and expansion. See you soon.

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