I had a sloppy day yesterday. By the time that it got to 11 am, and I hadn’t yet done my spiritual practice or anything else on my todo list or my bed side pile of books, I had more or less accepted this fact and yesterday turned into a rest day. It was filled with a game on my iPad that will ultimately means nothing and thinking. The study I still have to do by the end of today still needs to happen. I need to get back on the horse in terms of my spiritual stuff.
But at some point yesterday I was okay with letting yesterday go. In rest. Not like the day was stolen from me in laziness like others have felt before but because I chose to let it be my sabbath. Without any scheduling, or ritual. Without the promise of a routine. Fully aware in my own mind at least that I far from deserve a day off at this point.
There was no great crash out on Friday. I’ve had it lot on my mind lately and I do need to reboot some major stuff; like my integrity. But it wasn’t one of those.
I also needed to lie down earlier I was planning on last night so I didn’t get to write about it. But between Friday night and now a few things have come into focus. This is nice as I have felt like a study in contradictions lately.
- I realised that there are a lot of books that I want to read but my library doesn’t have and I don’t want to buy a lot of books.
- I realised again that I want to write more, speak less, think more.
- I want to live minimally but be well informed and have just what I need when I need it.
- Silence doesn’t scare me. Judgement does. My own stings more than anything another can do.
- I realise that I fall to easily into trying to be someone that I am not. That needs to stop now even though it’s going to be very uncomfortable for a while.
I have always thought that when I was being really me, I lived very consciously. Things like; Think carefully through what you are going to do, say, wear, eat. Not just once but each time. Make your choices consciously and be aware that the act of not making a choice is in fact a choice. That even when a situation doesn’t seem to have a choice, your response to that situation is your choice. That there will be hard choices, but being adult means accepting that even those are choices.
This lifestyle felt right but very hard and very unpopular. It seems out of kilter with the way I was “supposed” to be. It was not easy or fun. It was hard to be unpopular again. But I think that I need to go back to that. A life of intentionality and conscious living and see what happens. I am older now so maybe that will help.
It will require radical honesty. First with myself and then with others. About who I am, and what I really want. That will take time, but after my Sabbath i feel quietly ready. Not in a zealous let’s run and have a packing party and I’ll move to India. But in a confidence and courage that I haven’t felt in over 10 years. I feel more myself today.
I can now see some intersections between what I think my values are and actions I can take.
I was listening to a podcast on YouTube interviewing Colin Wright who moves intentionally every 4 months. Watching a TEDx talk of his gave me a word for it all. The seemingly endless contradictory goals.
Coming into another birthday my word of choice will be intentionality for the next phase. His talk was not just looking at stuff; the minimialism piece but intentionality in relationships. Contextual friendships. Draining relationships. Being “on purpose” here too. This is an area I need to address, both in the repair (if possible) of some that I have abused and or neglected and in the clearing of others which do not serve now in the way that I have been trying to make them work.
But first to me. I’m not going to make radical commitments to myself right now. That hasn’t been healthy for me. I’m just going to start by trying a little harder to pay attention and use my hypersensitivity to my advantage. To think more.
Start from there.
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