I have been writing lately, just not posting. After losing a post this morning I wrote the following on 750words as a head empty. Step gently as you read this but to prevent me from losing the nerve to post I will post unedited, typos, mis-capitalisations and all. The idea at the time was that my fingers didn’t leave the keyboard and that I didn’t pay any attention to how it looked .Hence the raw title. There are probably the germination of three posts here. I won’t promise, but if you see me repeating myself in future posts, forgive.
The only thing I did edit was I turned a few specifics that I won’t name into “various reasons”.
A bit frustrated. After months of avoiding the blogging thing because of various reasons I woke up this morning and, after listening to the 3d audio thing, decided i’d start working on the post to introduce the new wheelchair that actually and finally arrived yesterday. Then I had the whole “which writing tool do I want to use here?” internal debate, which led me to reading the article about Obama’s decision minimising (to avoid decision fatigue) which in my own mind led to a blog on its own about that whole process as a phenomena linking to the fast company piece. So i wrote it it was casual, without being too draft-y, explained that now seemed a good time to reboot the whole blogging thing again, and was just saving the post from the draft screen to be able to add the link and was sure I had saved it but something went wrong and I think I’ve lost it. I was in the zone, it wasn’t my best piece of work but I was definitately doing something and re-vitalising. I was useful.
But interesting, i’m not really that far off that feeling now and maybe the previous post, this decision making tree stuff isn’t that valuable on the blog especially as an re-intro but might it has served its purpose as a free write or something. I’m still writing now aren’t I? I have overcome the whole question of which program to use and maybe just use this as a cut and paste starting point. I like the fact that I seem to be able to see the resistance ok, even yes feel it and work through itr even here. I’ve always noticed when the various self-help gurus would talk about letting thoughts go, float away and thought that meant ignoring them or just being disciplined. I’m sure that helped. I think it was better than nothing and certainly better than sinking into the feelings, but it wasn’t quite the same as the thing I’m talking about. Choosing different without the denial but in spite of feelings and perhaps better before the feelings can have an inpact because it will feel better each time I choose won’t it? So if I want to be a writer, yes I should do it because I enjoy it. Because I feel time and even words fly by but I can’t afford quite literally to wait till I feel like writing, or not just then. I should fill my time with the activities that improve or could improve my writing regardless of how I feel at the time, and pear back on the other stuff. seeing myself as a writer is more than a romantic gesture here. As that muscle of deciding gets stronger I will feel the flow more likely I’m guessing. I’ve slowed down a bit in the last two hundred words I’ve noticed distracted by leg cramp, noise and word count and grabbing too hard onto sentences that now are long gone, but i do think the flow is actually better and so yes I’m getting some reward for sticking with it.I must write more regularly anyway to capture thoughts like some of the people moving stuff i noticed yesterday driving around in the new chair, how people saw me just a little bit differently i think as being a person not a point of pity, how I was struggling to find a speed that felt right. How I felt like more of a person and strangely more part of the action and more visible. People were a bit more anxious. I was more anxious. How I’m over how torn up the footpaths are and what that does to the camber, and how everybody seems to want to use the flattest bit for themselves be they pram, shopper trolleys, street furniture, slow walking couples meandering right down the middle, the footpaths can’t handle all of it and leave enough space for me to apply the breaks when I need to because every time there is a gap that is a safe gap to leave it is intercepted. this means going out is painful as people don’t like me to inter up their flow or look like I’m going to hit them but I need to assume that the camber will throw me into someones shins! I should go out for a long roll to help condition the battery but I’m not sure given pre-existing decision fatigue and the prospect of the above or thinking where to go will keep me in bed and the chair today unused.
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