Raw, mild updates

I have been writing lately, just not posting. After losing a post this morning I wrote the following on 750words as a head empty. Step gently as you read this but to prevent me from losing the nerve to post I will post unedited, typos, mis-capitalisations and all. The idea at the time  was that my fingers didn’t leave the keyboard and that I didn’t pay any attention to how it looked .Hence the raw title. There are probably the germination of three posts here. I won’t promise, but if you see me repeating myself in future posts, forgive.  

The only thing I did edit was I turned a few specifics that I won’t name into “various reasons”.

A bit frustrated. After months of avoiding the blogging thing because of various reasons I woke up this morning and, after listening to the 3d audio thing, decided i’d start working on the post to introduce the new wheelchair that actually and finally arrived yesterday. Then I had the whole “which writing tool do I want to use here?” internal debate, which led me to reading the article about Obama’s decision minimising (to avoid decision fatigue) which in my own mind led to a blog on its own about that whole process as a phenomena linking to the fast company piece. So i wrote it it was casual, without being too draft-y, explained that now seemed a good time to reboot the whole blogging thing again, and was just saving the post from the draft screen to be able to add the link and was sure I had saved it but something went wrong and I think I’ve lost it. I was in the zone, it wasn’t my best piece of work but I was definitately doing something and re-vitalising. I was useful.

But interesting, i’m not really that far off that feeling now and maybe the previous post,  this decision making tree stuff isn’t that valuable on the blog especially as an re-intro but might it has served its purpose as a free write or something. I’m still writing now aren’t I? I have overcome the whole question of which program to use and maybe just use this as a cut and paste starting point. I like the fact that I seem to be able to see the resistance ok, even yes feel it and work through itr even here. I’ve always noticed when the various self-help gurus would talk about letting thoughts go, float away and thought that meant ignoring them or just being disciplined. I’m sure that helped. I think it was better than nothing and certainly better than sinking into the feelings, but it wasn’t quite the same as the thing I’m talking about. Choosing different without the denial but in spite of feelings and perhaps better before the feelings can have an inpact because it will feel better each time I choose won’t it? So if I want to be a writer, yes I should do it because I enjoy it. Because I feel time and even words fly by but I can’t afford quite literally to wait till I feel like writing, or not just then. I should fill my time with the activities that improve or could improve my writing regardless of how I feel at the time, and pear back on the other stuff. seeing myself as a writer is more than a romantic gesture here. As that muscle of deciding gets stronger I will feel the flow more likely I’m guessing. I’ve slowed down a bit in the last two hundred words I’ve noticed distracted by leg cramp, noise and word count and grabbing too hard onto sentences that now are long gone, but i do think the flow is actually better and so yes I’m getting some reward for sticking with it.I must write more regularly anyway to capture thoughts like some of the people moving stuff i noticed yesterday driving around in the new chair, how people saw me just a little bit differently i think as being a person not a point of pity, how I was struggling to find a speed that felt right. How I felt like more of a person and strangely more part of the action and more visible. People were a bit more anxious. I was more anxious. How I’m over how torn up the footpaths are and what that does to the camber, and how everybody seems to want to use the flattest bit for themselves be they pram, shopper trolleys, street furniture, slow walking couples meandering right down the middle, the footpaths can’t handle all of it and leave enough space for me to apply the breaks when I need to because every time there is a gap that is a safe gap to leave it is intercepted. this means going out is painful as people don’t like me to inter up their flow or look like I’m going to hit them but I need to assume that the camber will throw me into someones shins! I should go out for a long roll to help condition the battery but I’m not sure given pre-existing decision fatigue and the prospect of the above or thinking where to go will keep me in bed and the chair today unused.

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on economy of various sorts

I’ve been reading and hibernating mostly. Just being quiet and trying to battle technical dramas of one sort or another.

I’m feeling more naturally able to be quiet and a bit smaller. Not in terms of stature but in terms of the footprint stuff. My own footprint and the extent to which I let other people’s footprints on me and never find out about it.. Not entirely of course. But certainly with strangers I’m better than I was. I’m remembering the need for boundaries, if not always remembering to apply them. As I said to someone yesterday I’m now remembering to include myself on my radar of people to care about the preference of. Even if i then don’t choose not to apply my preferences, as i often don’t, (preferring others needs to my own), I usually resent the sacrifice less because it felt more of a choice. Which I’m less likely to “automatically” repeat if the costs to me are too high or the return on investment is too low.

My quest for personal economy is heightened as well. Saying less is a beautiful thing. Not only wise in terms of social matters, but better resource management for me. I am learning to embrace my inner introvert, instead of fight her or merely tolerate her thanks to Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. In summary I understand myself better. I now have a clearer idea about why loud random people and noise not only causes spasm but annoyance and almost a different sort of pain.

I’m still also on the minimalism track from a bit of a different angle this time. Among my reading on my iPad is also Walden. There’s a lot in there, but while I don’t fancy myself ever becoming a subsistence farmer with arguably only one or 2 sets of clothes, I do wonder how much money and more energy I could still save. I also wonder how extreme I would be ready to go.

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So, Why? aka meet the other blog in my life

Ok, So I’m trying to some self branding here. Will keep willowdove.com as my experimental and my casual site. But given my name was available I thought I’d grab it for branding purposes and to eventually put the entire collected life n times (or links to them) of me online on the one site I guess. Writings and such especially.

Unlike willowdove.com though which only really had content on the one /blog/ subdomain; I plan to spend the new year padding joannanicol.com out with different sections and ongoing activities. There might be some cross posting for a while, but as I continue to work and think and write for myself and others, I think both domains will serve a purpose each.

Hosting willowdove since 2005 has been great. I’ve learnt a lot about blogs in that time. What I like. What I don’t and what I wanted to do differently if given a fresh start. I sort of regretted not having my own name more prominent especially when I’m now known professionally as my own person. i didn’t and don’t want to change willowdove’s purpose as a place to chill and muse as a weekend/ hobby blogger

I don’t want to over promise and under deliver though. I’ve done that before. So the safest thing to say is at this point at least is “watch this space”. But feel free to poke around and see what you find. Please don’t be offended is some places are locked up. Joannanicol.com is a place for my record of my writing and online documentation as much for me as everyone else.

I can say it will be very low fuss in terms of clutter. It’s about the words!

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Awww

Pope Francis being a Dad

Too cute.
I remember growing up Luke 18:15-17 was alway quoted at infant baptisms (Uniting Church).

Luke 18:15-17
New International Version (NIV)
The Little Children and Jesus

15 People were also bringing babies to Jesus for him to place his hands on them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. 16 But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 17 Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”

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Quote from Facebook

Quote

I choose to live by choice, not by chance;
to make changes, not excuses;
to be motivated, not manipulated;
to be useful, not used;
to excel, not compete.
I choose self-esteem, not self pity.
I choose to listen to my inner voice, not the random opinion of others.

I’m learning this one in a deeper way at the moment and it’s working.

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Tuesday tidbit: wish I’d known

Wish I’d known about below the line last week. And had electoral commission staff patient enough to let me decide between above and below the line myself (as I have every other election) without pressure and with a proper privacy screen.

For those wondering about my broader reaction to the election and/or my voting experience, I’m working on an email to a disability org so a post or two will no doubt come out of that. In short: could be better, could be worse.

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Well read?

As I said on Twitter last night,

used to be reasonably well read and love reading but gone a bit soft. need some good book recommendations, ebook audio included. Anyone Pls

I got one reply to that message suggesting the Tale of the Ancient Mariners. Thank you, but I am not really not thrillers or comedies.

The fact is I think I’m started to reflect my hair colour and a trip to a real book shop (second-hand ones aren’t generally easy to navigate) hasn’t been revealing much. Although I’m sure there are gems there, nothing is jumping out save for the American driven self-enrichment stuff and chick lit, of which I have some, but want something to get my teeth into.

It wouldn’t help the situation that I don’t exactly know what I want. I used to read a lot and I’d like to get back there. I had a look at this list of books slated to make one well-read and felt ashamed. Having said that, I also think there are some classics missing, don’t you?

I’m pretty clear that I don’t like crime or horror. I have loved biography and other non fiction. I like classic literature. I want to both stretch and expand yet feel comforted.

I have been reading more, but I feel informed more than enriched. In fact it was a book that started this. I’ve been listening to The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun by Gretchen Rubin on and off for a while. It’s really a great book with useful ideas. But what I’m really impressed with as well as the content is how widely read she is. Sure there would have been a lot of research on happiness and such, but I’m betting she has an impressive general collection.

In the only disability twist to this I kind of miss not being able to drop in on more friends and peruse their bookcases as only one friend has discovered Shelfari!

So come on folks, please give me some recommendations or a virtual peek at your bookshelf. I won’t judge if you don’t. :-)

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Background music

Every morning, without fail, at about 7 am, the guy who lives across and up one plays just one song loud enough to be clear as day in my bedroom at the front of the house. Then that’s it from him till the very next day

I used to hear him playing music loudly in the afternoon. Always 80′s usually soft rock. But now just this one same track, played just once. Sunday was odd in that it didn’t happen until 8 (post election blue perhaps).But it did happen.

I know my 80′s music and thankfully I like this track.But by the same token, I’ve tried to avoid all love music (I fear I’m too old and jaded now to want the sort of earth shifting devoted love affair  I really seek)  and all faith music, so it doesn’t leave me much. If I was being superstitious I would say my neighbour’s contribution to my life was to remind me against cynicism and to keep expecting. Lyrics mean the most to me and these ones are pretty clear.

So in honor of my neighbour here is

I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I’m older
Aaaah woah-ah-aah

Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
And through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

In my life there’s been heartache and pain
I don’t know if I can face it again
Can’t stop now, I’ve traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
Aaaah woah-oh-ooh

I’m gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me, oooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh oooh
I’ve got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me

In my life there’s been heartache and pain
I don’t know if I can face it again
I can’t stop now, I’ve traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me

Let’s talk about love
(I wanna know what love is) the love that you feel inside
(I want you to show me) I’m feeling so much love
(I wanna feel what love is) no, you just cannot hide
(I know you can show me) yeah, woah-oh-ooh
I wanna know what love is, let’s talk about love
(I want you to show me) I wanna feel it too
(I wanna feel what love is) I wanna feel it too
And I know, and I know, I know you can show me
Show me what is real, woah (woah), yeah I know
(I wanna know what love is) hey I wanna know what love
(I want you to show me), I wanna know, I wanna know, want know
(I wanna feel what love is), hey I wanna feel, love
I know you can show me, yeah

From here

.

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